Tao Ren, Chinese Chick Magnet
by ninzor
Summary: Ren has millions of crazy fangirls. In order to escape their wrath, he comes up with all sorts of plans, from feigning death to a fraud romantic relationship with Pirika! When all his plans fail, his last resort is to disguise himself as a girl!
1. The Rise of the Fangirls

Heh-heh. Ren has the same Chinese names as me (with different meanings, though), and I'm a girl...so I was wondering what Ren would be like as a girl.

Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King. Neither do you. So HA!

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One sunny afternoon, Tao Ren was walking home from the grocery store, carrying a few grocery bags of milk. He sang a happy tune as he did so. It felt so nice to be carefree and relaxed, for the time being.

He sighed and smiled happily. "Lucky Yoh gets to feel like this every single day..." He let out a contemplative sigh, and slowly and carefully began to savor the silence.

The peace was disrrupted in a split second. The earth began shaking threateningly, and screams of ecstasy could be heard from afar. His golden eyes widened as he turned around to face a mob of stampeding fangirls. Horrified, he dropped the bags of milk as he fled for his life.

The girls ignored the shattering milk bottles and Ren's reaction. They accelerated as one, screaming out their favorite bishonen's name.

"REN-SAMAAAAA!"

"REN-SAMA, LET'S MAKE LITTLE TAOS TOGETHER!"

"REN-KUN!!! MARRY ME!!!"

"SIGN MY LEFT BOOB, REN-SAMA!!!"

And then came the worst comment which pierced Ren's ears.

"I LOVE YOU, LENNY!"

He screamed in agony at the word "Lenny" and began clawing at his scalp. The giant mass of fangirls was upon him in instants. Millions of hands shot out from every direction and grabbed at his arms, hair, feet, and...erm...let's move on, shall we?

He sobbed in terror as he was buried in a squirming exodus. "NOOOO!" he screamed. flailing around desperately. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!! HELP ME, BASON! I'M BEING RAPED!!!"

There was dramatic music as Bason galloped to his master's rescue in slow motion. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO...! BOOOOCHAAAAAAMAAAAA...!" He leaped headfirst into the pile and grabbed Ren's arm and managed to jerk him free.

The two ran for their lives and skidded to a stop in front of their apartment. Ren threw the door open and slammed it shut once they were both safely inside. Thunderous roars of frustration echoed throughout the apartment complex as the mob pounded furiously on the door.

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE, KISAMAS!" Ren screamed out from a crack in the door.

Nothing happened.

"I'll cut you to shreds!" Ren threatened, whipping out his kwan dao and the Bao-Lei sword. His efforts were in vain. He and Bason were forced to retreat and seek sanctuary under his bed.

After about 24 hours in hiding, the crowd dispersed, vowing to return some other day.

"Sheesh..." Ren sighed, popping open a bottle of milk. "What will become of us, Bason? I never want to leave the house again!" He took a long swig of the creamy white liquid and wiped off the milk mustache that resulted. "We've got to think of a plan!"

Both master and ghost popped on their thinking caps and did a group brainstorm, like you did in elementary school during creative writing sessions. At last, Bason came up with a decent proposition.

"Ren-bocchama! We can say you moved away!"

Ren snapped his fingers. "Good! 'Atta boy, Bason!"

The following day, the fangirls were back for more. They screeched and clawed at the door. Ren hid in a cupboard, while Bason went to execute their brilliant strategem.

"Excuse me, ladies, but Ren-bocchama no longer lives here."

In unison, the troop demanded, "Where'd he go?"

Bason inhaled deeply and said in the most convincing voice he could gather, "He moved far far far away to uh...Antarctica."

"Bason, you kisama!" Ren hissed. "They'll never fall for that one!"

"Apologies, bocchama..." Bason said sheepishly as the girls roared in fury.

"LIAR! WE DEMAND YOU TELL US WHERE HE IS!"

Bason panicked and looked around wildly. "Bocchama, what should I do?"

Ren stuck out his hand and showed Bason the sign language form for the letter "B."

"Ohhhh..." Bason said in agreement. "Yes, we must resort to Plan B."

He turned back to the door.

"Bocchama is ill with a terrible sickness! Please leave him alone so he can rest quietly!"

"WE WANT TO VISIT HIM AND SHOWER HIM WITH BLESSINGS AND WISHES OF QUICK RECOVERY!"

Bason sweatdropped.

He turned to the cupboard Ren was hiding in for the next signal.

"I see. Plan C will have to be executed."

He turned back to the door. "Look at what you've done! Your ruckus has prevented Ren-bocchama from a proper recovery and now he is dead!"

There was a long silence, and anguished wails of sorrow. "REN-SAAAAMA!" The troop howled.

They pounded on the door. "Let us in! We want to pay our final respects!"

"NO!" Bason roared. "Uh...come back tommorow and you can."

And so, the plan worked, sort of, as the crowd slowly returned home.

Ren stamped his foot in frustration. "They'll be back tommorow! What will we do?"

Bason nodded sagely and said, "I was planning on keeping this idea in reserve, bocchama, but we have no other choice."

Ren blinked.

"Huh?"

Bason beckoned to him with a finger. "Come here, and I will whisper the plan in your ear..."


	2. The Return of the Fangirls

"Bocchama. Here is the plan."

Ren nodded. "Mm-hmm. I'm listening, Bason."

"We shall pretend that you are already in love with a woman! And that the two of you are engaged! That should make the fangirls lose hope, will it not?"

"Excellent idea, Bason." Ren approved. "But, who will that woman be...?"

"How about that Usui Pirika?" Bason suggested. "How's she?"

"She's the Aninu baka's sister, isn't she?"

"Correct. You have a thing for her, don't you bocchama?"

A vein in Ren's forehead became signifignantly larger. The spike in his hair ascended to a monstrous height. "I DO NOT! HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING, KISAMA!?"

Bason giggled like a schoolgirl. "You do so! See, you're blushing! Now isn't that just precious?"

Ren fumed and attempted to whack Bason.

"So, what is the verdict, bocchama?"

"I guess so...I mean, uh...it's the only way...if you think I should..."

And so the deed was done. The next day, Ren and Pirika deliberately marched around in public with linked arms, each wearing glittering fake engagement rings.

"Don't fail me, Pirika," Ren warned. "Or else." He made a slit-throat motion with his finger.

Pirika looked terrified.

"I mean, uh...just, uh...try your best, okay?"

Moments later, they came. The plague upon the world's bishonen population...the feared and dreaded FANGIRLS.

Ren suavely held out his hand in a stopping gesture. "Halt, ladies," he said smoothly. "I already have a lover. Meet...Usui Pirika!"

The mob stared at Pirika in shock and envy.

"NOOOO! THAT CAN'T BE!"

"DUMP HER! I'M PRETTIER!"

"NO! DUMP HER AND PICK ME!"

Ren shook his head. "I'm afraid I can't..." He and Pirika lifted their hands and displayed their rings at the same time.

"You see...I am engaged."

There was a tremendous roar of fury that blasted Ren and Pirika off their feet and sent them flying 6 yards away. Millions of fangirls flung themselves upon Pirika, brandishing all sorts of grotesque weapons and cursing.

Pirika let out a scream of agony.

"PIRIKA!" Ren screeched in horror. He ran over and tried to reach his "fiance," but failed. "NOOOOOOO!"

The pile slowly dissapated. All that was left of Pirika was a single strand of blue hair. Ren clutched the hair and screeched in anguish.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

He sobbed hysterically and large quantities of snot dripped from his delicately sculpted nose. Bason snickered. "So you DID like her, huh, bocchama?"

Ren suddenly realized something.

"Oh crap...Ainu baka's gonna kill me..."

He stared at Bason stupidly.

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?"

"Calm down, bocchama, we just have to use our brains."

And so, a few minutes later, Ren carefully picked up a pay phone and called Horohoro.

"Hello?"

"Uh...hi, Horohoro. It's me, Ren."

Horohoro said in a peppy voice that burned Ren's ears, "Oh! Hi! I heard Pirika was with you...is she there? Can I talk to her?"

Ren gulped before replying. "That's what I was going to talk to you about."

"Huh?"

"Uh...we were, uh...walking. And then this serial rapist jumps out of nowhere and attacks us."

"I bet you kicked his butt! I mean, you're a shaman, right?"

"Uh...no. I didn't."

"What!?"

"YOU wouldn't be able to defeat him, either, if he had with him a whole army of Mighty Morhping Power Rangers!"

"...?"

"And. uh, I tried to save Pirika, but uh...the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers got in the way."

"And...?"

"And, uh...she's...erm...dead."

"WHAT!?"

"She went to a better place," Ren said solemnly.

"Where the hell are you?"

"Uh...pay phone across the street from that one ice cream shop..."

"DON'T MOVE AN INCH!" Horohoro roared.

CLICK.

"Oh, crap..." Ren whispered to Bason. "It didn't work. And he really IS going to kill me now..."

"Quick, bocchama!" Bason instructed. "We must escape from this place!"

SMACK.

"Too late."

Horohoro's face with fury written all over it was smashed up against the glass booth. He pounded on the panes with his fists.

Ren shrieked in terror like a girl as Horohoro's fist went straight through the glass with a sickening crack. The booth shattered.

"YOU ARE SO DEAD, TAO!!!"

There was a loud commotion, and a lot of screams of agony.

Horohoro scowled and kicked Ren's semi-carcass before trotting off on his own merry little path.

"Bocchama?" Bason said feebly, poking Ren with a stick.

"Ow."

"Oh good, you're alive."

"No duh."

Bason scratched his head. "The fiance plan didn't work...so what now?"

"How am I supposed to know?' Ren grunted.

A lightbulb light up somewhere in Bason's brain.

"Aha! I have the perfect plan!"


	3. Dirty Secrets

"We will disguise you! And then we will move far far away where they will never find you!" Bason announced.

Ren gave it some thought. "Hmmm...that IS a good idea."

Bason clapped his hands and squealed in a rather feminine way. "I can't wait to dress you up, bocchama!"

And that was that. The two went to a downtown department store to figure out some type of disguise.

Ren observed a giant rack of wigs, while Bason looked through the clearance items. In a few minutes, Bason had whisked Ren away to the fitting rooms and was throwing random clothes onto him.

"There!" Bason said, after a few moments. "Look at yourself in the mirror, bocchama. You look just stunning!"

Ren stepped out of the dressing room to take a look in the mirror. He screamed in horror at the reflection screaming right back at him.

"BASON!" Ren roared. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, KISAMA!?"

"It's your disguse, of course," Bason said, smiling proudly at his handiwork. "Don't you like it?"

This turned out to be a trick question for Ren. He was dressed in a poofy purple dress with many frills and bows. It had to be the ugliest thing on earth, but it did feel kind of comfortable. And hiding the large spike in his hair was a black feminine wig. It itched horribly. On his feet were shiny little high-heeled shoes that were rather difficult to walk in.

"I can hardly recognize myself," Ren declared.

"Good!" Bason said. "Then it is decided! You shall wear this. Now, all that is left to do is to move far far away..."

ONE WEEK LATER.

"Class," announced a portly teacher, Mr. Bob. "Please welcome our new transfer student from China, Miss Tao Ren."

There was some audible ooh's and ah's from the classroom of refined British ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Bason had somehow managed to enroll his darling little bocchama into a British boarding school all the way in merry old England.

Trying not to look suspicious in his dress and wig, Ren shuffled cautiously to the front of the room.

Mr. Bob handed him a schedule and a girl's school uniform. "You may change into uniform in the restroom, and come right back."

Ren nooded and took the items from Mr. Bob before making his way to the bathroom. Unaccustomed to being a little lady, he found himself striding into the men's room. He blinked in confusion as several students using the urinals looked up and stared at him in horror.

"Eh?' Ren said, confused.

"IT'S A GIRL!!!!" The screamed. 'EWW! COOTIES!!!"

Aghast, Ren quickly muttered a quick apology and ran right out. He sought sanctuary in a safe women's bathroom stall and began to change.

The uniform consisted of a crisp white shirt with lacy cuffs and a stiff collar. This was accompanied by a black tie and a black jacket with the school's emblem embroidered neatly onto it. In addition, a scandalously short black uniformal skirt was to be worn on the bottom. Slick black patent leather shoes were to be don on the feet, paired with knee-length white socks.

Ren set himself to the task of putting on all the clothing required. As he did so, without his knowledge, the stall door slowly swung open.

In the middle of his changing session, there was a shriek from behind him. Ren turned, horrified to see the door wide open, and a girl...no. Boy. Uh, girl. You know what, never mind...Well, this THING was standing there with an expression of confusion.

"You're not a girl!" the figure announced. Ren pulled the lacy shirt on quickly and said, "SHHHHHHH!" He put a finger to his lips. "DON'T TELL ANYONE."

The kid stared and blinked stupidly. "I'm not a girl, either."

"HUH?" Ren screeched.

"I'm a boy, but no one can tell the difference anyways," said the boy cheerfully. "And the women's restroom is much more convenient because it's a few feet closer to my current classroom. So, I might as well, you know?"

Ren nodded thoughtfully. "What's your name?"

"Lyserg Diethel."

Ren nooded. "This will be..." he looked around with shifty eyes. "Our little SECRET. OK?"

"YAY!" Lyserg screamed. "I LOVE SECRETS! THEY"RE SO MUCH FUN TO TELL!"

Ren twitched. "NO!" he almost screamed. "You can't tell ANYONE. I'll explain later, okay?"

"OK!" Lyserg said cheerfully, giving Ren the thumbs up and skipping away.

"Well." Ren said, as he pulled on the shiny leather shoes and stepped out of the restroom. "Interesting girl. I mean, boy. Yeah. I think it was a boy."


	4. Attack of the Schoolgirls and Perverts

Looking around shiftily, Ren quickly finished the last steps of changing into the uniform. He squashed his tongari down and tucked the wig over it. Then, he stepped cautiously out of the bathroom and hurried back to the class he was at before.

He quietly opened the door, and the chubby teacher smiled at her. Or what the teacher _thought_ was a her. "Welcome back, Miss Tao. You may choose any empty seat you like."

Ren headed towards the back of the room and sat as far away from his new peers as possible. He had to exercise great caution so that the wig would not slip off his head and make a spectacle.

The teacher handed him a stack of books. "Here are your textbooks. If you have any problems, please ask me."

Ren nodded. "Thank you, ma'am," he squeaked in the high-pitched voice he had practiced with Bason. He hoped it sounded convincing.

The teacher walked back to the front of the room, announcing, "Class, please be kind to our new friend. She just moved here from China and her English probably is not very good."

Ren watched dully, almost falling asleep, as the teacher droned on and on about Shakespeare and his plays. How boring could _Hamlet_, _Romeo and Juliet, The Taming of the Shrew,_ and _MacBeth_ get?

After what seemed like an eternity, the bell rang loudly, causing Ren to jump and screech in a shocked manner. Thankfully, he had remembered to screech in a girly tone.

"That's the break bell," the teacher explained. "Now you get to rest until the bell rings, denoting the start of the next class."

Ren nodded to show he understood. Then, he followed the rest of the students out the door and into the school's courtyard.

The courtyard was a mess of kids everywhere, eating food, chasing eachother around, and talking nonstop. It was so noisy that Ren had to fight the urge to scream at everyone to shut up. As he curiously explored the area, his ears managed to catch snippets of conversation focused on him, the new "girl."

"Have you seen the new girl?"

"No, but I heard she's really cute."

"She is! I just love her hair!"

"My hair...?" Wincing, Ren patted his wig nervously, trying not to appear like he was eavesdropping on various conversations.

"Isn't she from Japan?"

"Yeah! Isn't that so cool?"

Ren scowled. "China, you dolts," he muttered to himself. "It's China, for the love of all Basons holy..."

"Oooh!" One random girl squealed. "There she is!"

Ren looked at them stupidly as the small troop of schoolgirls began squealing.

"_She's so adorable!!!_"

Ren began backing away in horror, only to find himself backing into an opposite hoarde of boys. A hoarde of very perverted boys.

"Hey, look! It's the new girl!"

"She's so cute! And pretty!"

"Gawrsh...look at that tiny skirt!"

"C'mon chums! What say you we get to know her better?"

Ren screamed in terror and tried to flee. This was almost as bad as the fangirl situation he was trying to escape from.

"I know some Japanese!" declared one guy named Joe. "I'll try talking to her!" With that, he marched up to Ren and grabbed "her" hand, preventing "her" from escaping and making it to good, sweet freedom.

"_Konnichiwa_!"

Ren blinked. Oh God. How stupid could these kids get?

Joe's face scrunched up in deep thought before he said, "Uh...I think you are very...uh..._kawaii_ and I like you..."

Ren's eyes widened. This was so not happening. Joe's hand, which was clamped onto Ren's, was getting really gross and sweaty. Ren tried in vain to tug his hand away from the moist, warm, humid, disgusting appendage.

"...So...will you go out with me?"


	5. Who's your Daddy?

Joe smiled real big at Ren.

"What do you say? How's about me and you?"

A vein enlargened signifigantly in Ren's forehead.

"HOW'S ABOUT NO, PERV-BOY!?" he screeched, bringing his knee up right into poor Joe's family jewels. Hard. With about 100 units worth of furyoku.

Joe's face puckered up, in a moment of shock. His eyes got all buggy, and his jaw dropped as tears streamed from his squinched up eyes. Finally, he dropped to the floor in slow motion and began, in normal speed, rolling around and howling in agony. "AAAARGH! MY BALLS! THEY BURN! THE PAIN!!!! OH, DEAR GOD! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS CRUELTY!?"

Ren kicked him in the ribs and scowled. "I'm not Japanese, either. I'm _CHINESE_ for crying out loud!" He paused for dramtic effect, before adding, "Oh, dear. I don't think you'll be able to have children anymore."

He stomped away furiously, ignoring the gasps of shock and Joe's continuous screams of pain. Poor Joe was in for a long week in the hospital.

Ren managed to pass through the rest of the day without anymore terrifying events happening, aside from the occasional guy staring at his rear, which was starting to get really scary.

He was relieved when the final bell rang, signaling that school was out for the day. Like the other kids, he walked out to the school's front to wait for his ride, taking great care not to get trampled my the stampede.

Speaking of which. How was he going to get home? He didn't even know where his new lodgings were.

"Bason, that little dimwit," Ren muttered. "He'd better have some way to get me away from this crap hole."

He plopped down on the curb and propped his chin on his hands, waiting for something to happen. Presently, another person plopped down next to him.

"Hi!"

Ren blinked. It was the he-she from the bathroom. In other words, Lyserg.

Lyserg waved cheerfully. "Hi, new friend! What was your name again?"

"Ren."

"Oh. What are you doing?"

Ren scowled. "What does it look like? I'm waiting for my parents to uh...pick me up."

"Ohhhh." Lyserg said, as if he never knew that such an answer was coming. "Me too! I'm waiting for my adoptive daddy. His name is Marco and he has a really cool gun! I live with him and some other guys and my friend Jeanne, and we're in a group called the X-Laws but I wasn't supposed to tell you that because it's a top secret club! We meet in my tree house every weekend and its really fun. And Marco makes really good chocolate chip muffins. Maybe I'll bring some to school for you later. Oh, and did I mention he had a really cool gun? And that our top secret club I'm not supposed to tell you about is called the X-Laws? And that we meet in my tree house on weekends? Oh, and I don't think I told you about Marco's chocolate chip muffins, either... "

Ren scowled even more. He was already starting to hate this kid, and he barely even knew him. Apparently, he didn't know how to shut up.

Lyserg kept chattering on and on like a broken record. "Oh my goodness...those chocolate chip muffins are like heaven! They're so warm and moist and chewy...I aksed Marco what the secret ingredient was, and he said a pinch of love! Isn't that so cool? I wish I could make muffins that good...Hey, do you want to see my X-Laws uniform? You can try it on, if you want, though it's really itchy and a little bit ugly..."

Ren was about to threaten to cut his tongue out when he was delivered from his living hell by a rather familiar figure.

A fancy car drove up to the school, and in the driver's seat was Bason, disguised as a business man. He was in a crisp suit and a nice black tie, with a nice black bowler hat and matching slacks. His disguise was actually pretty convincing.

Ren, twitching uncontrollably, stood up and dusted off the back of his skirt. He then picked up his bag and opened the car door.

"Who's that?" Lyserg asked cheerfully.

Ren flinched. "Uh...that's my, uh...dad."

"Whoa..." Lyserg said. "Your dad is really...big."

Ren nodded. "He has uh...cholesterol problems. He's tried everything, you know...Atkin's, South Beach...but nothing's really working for him right now."

"I see." Lyserg nodded. "Tell him that I reccomend Jeny Craig. Marco calls it the 'Holy Miracle Land', because...man, that place can work wonders! Jeanne used to be so freaking fat, but then she went there, and now she's super-model skinny! Shhh! Don't tell her I said that! Because she likes people to think that she's been skinny all her life!"

He then started waving insanely. "HI, MR. TAO!!!! I'M LYSERG! I'M REN'S NEW BEST FRIEND!"

Ren winced. "I don't remember establishing that fact," he muttered as he tossed his bag into the car and climbed in after it.

"Guess what, Mr. Tao!? I get along real great with your kid! We're like...best friends forever! And I'll be real nice to him and I'll bring him chocolate chip muffins! You can count on me, sir, I have his best interests in mind, because we're friends! Oh, and, I know about that girl disguise thing, but it's okay, because we're gonna keep it our little secret, OK? We're going to have so much fun! I love secrets! And I'm real good at telling - I mean, uh, keeping them!"

"Well...I'll see you later, Lyserg." Ren said briskly, interrupting his lengthy monologue. He then quickly slammed the door shut. Lyserg opened his mouth to let out another 100-mile-per-hour word-jammed farewell.

"Bason. Step on it."


	6. Got Milk?

Ah...my kind readers, allow me to ask if you agree with me that there is nothing more intriguing than lunch at a high shcool. There, children are sent back to the primordial days void of civilization...and they are transformed from prim and proper scholars to greedy little pigs slobbering all over their food.

Ren's 5th day at the academy was no exception.

The bell rang out sharp and clear, announcing that the students could be released from their mundane education into the vast world of lunch. Ren put away his papers, filing them neatly in a binder, slung his bag over his shoulder, re-adjusted his wig, and with his chin held high, he marched straight to the cafeteria.

School lunches, in general are quite disguting. Ren never looked forward to this period of the day, not only because the food sucked, and also because it was open season for perverts who thought Ren was indeed a girl.

He stood in the lunch line, patiently holding the tray. As he walked forward, cafetria ladies plopped glop after glop of vile crap onto his tray, claiming it was "food." At the end of the line, students would recieve their desired drinks. Most kids would pick a soda or juice, but Ren would typically select a nice carton of pure white milk.

He retrieved the items and went to the farthest end of the cafeteria, sitting down. After a while, Lyserg joined him. Ren had grown accustomed to Lyserg's constant chatter, and compared to the rest of the school's male student body, Lyserg actually wasn't that bad.

"Hi, Ren!" Lyserg chirped cheerfully. "Marco packed my lunch for me today."

"Really?" Ren said, not really paying attention as he stabbed at what was supposed to be ravioli with his spork. However, his spork made contact with something strangely textured, and though it was hard to tell, Ren could have sworn it was a chicken head.

"Yup!" Lyserg replied, opening the brown paper bag and dumping out its contents. Ren stared enviously as Lyserg unleashed a small army of carrot sticks, cinnamon rolls, apples, and of course, home-made choclate chip muffins.

The green-haired Brit, smiling widely, handed Ren a muffin. "See?" he said, as Ren bit into it. "Isn't it good? I told you so that Marco is a muffin master!"

"Mrphg." Ren grunted, meaning something along the lines of "I agree." However, Lyserg wasn't finished with his rant.

"Savor the rich, finely-baked pastry! Taste the delicious, creamy, sweet glaze! Let it entrance your taste buds with its exquisitley luxurious texture! Are you feeling the moment? Be one with the chocolate!"

Ren swallowed the muffin and was about to tell Lyserg to shut up when he felt a hand plop onto his shoulder. An awfully familiar, sweaty, clammy, hand.

It was Joe. (dramatic music)

Ren ignored him and proceeded to open his milk carton and stick in the red-and-white striped straw. He took a long sip, deliberately pretending not to notice him.

"How's it going, Ren?" Joe asked in a friendly tone. "I see you like milk."

Ren turned around and gave him one of his infamous tiger-eyed death glares.

Joe, undaunted, continued. "Why are you sitting with that little fag?" At this point, Lyserg made a strange growly noise. Joe ignored him and kept talking. "Come sit with me and my chums, Ren. We have so much delicious milk over there...you'll find it _irresistable_."

Ren scowled and continued to daintily sip the milk. Carefully and discreetly closing his hand around the carton, he slowly brought it upwards into the air.

"Is that a yes?" Joe asked hopefully. "That kick you gave me the other day really hurt, but shall we forget our past differences and move along?"

"Like I said _the other day_," Ren answered, partially quoting Joe. "HOW'S ABOUT NO!?"

In a swift motion, Ren splashed his milk all over Joe's face.

Joe blinked in surprise, but recovered quickly enough to grab Ren's hand, which was still raised threateningly in the air.

"Release me at once, kisama!" Ren screeched, trying to jerk his hand away.

"No can do," Joe said cheerfully. "Instead...would you like to _lick_ the milk off my face, darling?"

Ren stared at Joe in horror. Then, with an infuriated shriek, he gave Joe a hefty slap to the face.

"LIKE HELL I WILL!!!"

Joe went flying and was sent spiraling into the nearby tables, where he smashed his head open against the edge of a trashcan. Fuming, Ren watchedi n sadistic satisfaction as poor Joe began bleeding from the head. Oh well. He desrved it. That nasty little perv.

Ren shuddered as a large, ominous shadow loomed over him. He turned around slowly, trembling.

"Er...Mr. Principle Sir?"

The principle scowled at Ren.

"You, young lady, are coming to the office with me. _Now_."


	7. Trouble in the Office

My Dearest Readers:

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! It's most definitely encouraging me to update as quickly as I can! And I am very grateful for your compliments on my writing...though I really don't think I deserve all your praise. -sniffle- Your kindness inspires me to produce better work...thanks very much.

Love, ninzor

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"So, young lady." The principal folded his hands in front of him. "Please explain to me why you're here."

Ren, not paying attention, was busily taking in his surroundings. It was a neat office, with the principal's name on a golden plaque. And the deer head mounted on the wall was getting a little scary.

"You're that Tao girl, the transfer student, am I correct?"

"Huh?" Ren blinked and, snapping out of the trance that he had been lured into by the deer head's hypnotic gaze.

The principal sighed and closed his eyes in a brief anger management moment before calming down and continuing. "I assume that's a yes. Now, Miss Tao, would you care to explain your unacceptable behavior in the cafeteria?"

"It wasn't my fault," Ren explained, defending himself. "I was being sexually harassed and I had no choice but to defend myself."

"Sexual harassment, eh? I see..." the principal started scribbling notes onto a clipboard.

"What's that for?" Ren inquired.

"Never you mind," the principal grunted. "Now, please tell me the circumstances of the sexual harassment you claim you were victim of."

Ren blinked. "Uh...he was...uh...sexually harassing me."

"Yes, we've already established that fact. Please clarify."

"He was defiling me with his filthy touch."

"I see...tell me more, Miss Tao."

"And he was moving me out of my comfort zone."

"And why do you think he did that?"

"Why else?' Ren replied bluntly. "Because I'm too damn sexy. Duh."

The principal twitched and scribbled more stuff onto his clipboard. "Well, thank you for your input. I will review these notes with your parent or legal guardian promptly after school."

"WHAT!?"

"You heard me. Now, what is your parent or guardian's phone number?"

Scowling, Ren gave him the number. Bason was never going to let him live this down.

The principal nodded and dialed the number into his shiny phone.

"While I make this call, you are excused, Miss Tao."

The rest of the school day, much to Ren's unhapiness, flew by fairly quickly. The only thing that managed to improve his foul mood was the hearse outside that was escorting Joe's carcass to the mortuary.

And as the final bell rang to end the dull day of school, the P.A. crackled on, announcing, "Tao Ren, please report to the office. Tao Ren, please report to the office."

Ren gloomily trudged to the office, and in a few moments, found himself once again under the gaze of the evil deer head.

He took a seat, and to his dismay, Bason was already there, or rather, his "father."

The principal gave him a curt nod. "Well, Mr. Tao, Miss Ren. Shall we begin our little chat?"

"Uh..." Bason said. He was not a people person and had no idea what to say.

Taking Bason's unintelligent grunt as a "yes," the principal took out his stupid clipboard and read the notes he had taken aloud. He then began babbling and droning on and on about stupid things. "Mr. Tao. I understand that your daughter is new here at our school, but such behavior is purely unacceptable, even if it was in self defense. You may think otherwise in China, but this is England we are talking about here. In order to preserve the good morale of our school, I urge you to hold a family conference with your daughter in order to straighten out her violent behavior. This academy, sir, does not allow corporal punishment within the campus, so instead, we will have her attend a brief hour-long detention after the upcoming weekend. It is in our best interests that your child recieves the necessary discipline..."

Bason's eyelids were drooping, and so were Ren's. This guy was almost as bad as Lyserg.

"...And furthermore, I would like to inform you about our sexual harassment policies. If a child is to be sexually harassed, they are to take action in a civil manner, instead of resorting to violence. We are a proud anti-drug and anti-violence academy, sir. And in order to preserve out highly-esteemed status, we cannot afford to take chances and let students go beat each other up. It is true that she was provoked, but your daughter is still expected to take full responisibility for her actions..."

THUNK.

Bason's head drooped down landed on the desk with a loud noise. He then began snoring and his drool made a small flood on the principal's important papers.

"...In addition, I must let you know that we strive for academic excellence, and - erm, Mr. Tao?"

Bason responded with another loud snort and a second tsunami of drool.

Ren sighed. Bason was so embarassing. "Sorry, sir," he said quickly. "Uh...my dad is always really tired, 'cause he has a very demanding work schedule..."

The principal nodded sympathetically. "I understand. Do take your father home to rest now, but don't forget to discuss your behavior later. I will notify you of your upcoming detention on Monday."

"Thank God," Ren muttered as he dragged Bason out of the office and back home.


	8. The Cinema of DOOM

AN: Lily is the best! -

OK That's all I have to say now. Please enjoy the next chapter!

--------------

Saturday mornings, for Ren, were always nice. There was no rush to crossdress for school, no rush to wake up, no need to greet the world's new morning with open arms. Not that he ever did, anyway.

Hoever, his lovely moment of extra sleep was interrupted rudely by the shrill screeching of the phone. Groaning, Ren stumbled out of bed clad in classic white boxers printed with red hearts.

He stumbled groggily to the phone and picked it up, mumbling a sleepy "Hmm?"

"Hi, Ren! Guess who it is?"

Ren had no need to guess. Who else could it be?

"What do you want with me at 5 bloody AM, Lyserg?" Ren grunted.

"Wanna go to the movies with me today?"

"Huh?"

"The cinema. Marco said we could go at 1:00 this afternoon."

"Sure, why not, I guess. I have nothing better to do."

Lyserg screamed joyously. "YAY!!!!"

Ren thought his eardrums were going to be blasted right out of his skull. He yelped in pain, clutching his ear, and kept listening. In the background, he could hear Lyserg holding a conversation with Marco.

"Guess what? Ren said he could go!"

"That's wonderful, dear!"

Ren twitched.

"I'll meet you there at 12:45, OK?" Lyserg chirped peppily.

"Uh...OK?"

"YAY! Bye-bye!"

Click.

Ren groaned. Oh, dear God...why did he consent to spend the whole afternoon at some British cinema with a he-she, of whom apparently did not have "shut up" logged into his mental dictionary?

Bason came skipping in, all squealy. "Bocchama! I'm gonna dress you up _real_ nice for your date with your new friend!"

Ren scowled. "It's not a _date,_ Bason. Because number one. I hate that kid. And number two. WE'RE FREAKING GUYS, SICKO."

Bason seemed not to care as he dragged Ren into the bathroom and began treating his bocchama like a Barbie Doll, throwing clothes on him at random.

"Of course, you're going to be a girl, as usual," Bason said, clapping his hands. "Now take a look at yourslef. You look just adorable!"

Ren looked at himself in the mirror and let out a long string of curses. Bason had totally ruined his good name with the most ridiculous outfit. A frilly pink miniskirt that just barely covered what was needed hung dangerously low on his hips. An equally risky pink halter top adorned his upper body, and on top of his wig was a giant floppy pink bow. On his feet were matching pink ballet flats with small ribbons on them.

"Bason..." Ren growled. "What the hell is this?"

"It's your outfit, of course," Bason replied

"Well, Bason," Ren hissed maliciously. "Do excuse me while I make sure my testosterone meter is still set to the proper amount."

"And you will wear it." Bason said in an equally creepy voice.

Ren sighed. This was going to be a long, long, long day.

A few hours later, Ren met up with Lyserg at the cinema. Lyserg had already purchased two tickets to some sappy romantic cowboy tragedy called..."Brokeback Mountain." The afternoon was getting worse and worse.

As they seated themselves, Ren discovered that a long string of gum had attached itself to his rear. How disgusting. He peeled the offending confection off and tossed it aside. He then dusted off his rump and sat himself back down.

The trailers wore on, droning about the stupidest upcoming attractions. All this while Lyserg was stuffing his face with popcorn and candy and continuously spilling the popped kernels into Ren's lap.

Ren continued to focus on the screen, and all of a sudden, a projection of a Lost Child advertisement popped up. His eyes bugged out and he almost screamed as an image of him appeared, along with the words HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CHILD?

"Tao Ren has been missing since last week from his home in China. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please contact the International Department of Missing Children. Please contribute in his safe return."

Ren gulped as a short scene of his sorrowful family appeared. Jun was a mess. Her face was covered with snot. Ren cringed in dusgust as she blubbered, "Please bring my darling little brother back!"

The commentating voice then announced, "We implore you to help repair this once happy family. If you see a short boy with...erm...very..._special_ hair and yellow eyes, please contact the mentioned agency. Thank you...And now, for our featured presentation!"

Ren winced. He then uttered a single word. A very, very, very, dirty word indeed.

-----------

This "Department" is non-existant to the furthest extent of my knowledge...


	9. Kidnapped: Hangin' With Hao in Da Hood

Sorry I haven't updated in a while...I was on a trip in Sacramento, California. Well...here's the next chapter! Enjoy!

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Ren blinked in surprise and twirled a finger around a strand of wig-hair nervously.

Lyserg's mouth popped open at once. "HEY!"

Several turned around and glared, hissing at him to have consideration and let others enjoy the movie. But Lyserg ignored them and kept screaming.

"Hey, Ren! That's you, isn't it!?"

"Lyserg!" Ren screeched, clamping a hand over the Brit's leaky mouth. "Shut up!"

But, alas...it was too late. Practically everyone turned around and stared, with dollar bill signs floating in their eyes. Of course...all society cared about was the money reward for retrieving the lost child.

"Uh...Lyserg?"

"Yes, Ren?"

"I'm getting out of here."

"But...the movie hasn't even started yet-"

Before Lyserg could finish the sentence, Ren bolted out the door and was running as fast as he could, which is hard to do in a skirt, especially if about a million people are running after you, screaming things such as:

"YOUR ASS IS MINE!"

"I'M GONNA BE RICH!"

"GET BACK HERE!"

Ren ducked into an alley and jumped into a thankfully empty trashcan as the mob stampeded past. All, but one, of course.

The figure stepped into the alley and seemed to be looking around. Ren remained silently seated, praying that he would not be found. Of course, as usual, luck was against Ren's side.

The trashcan lid was opened, and light streamed in. Ren's eyes got all buggish.

"H...HAO!?"

Hao grinned. _"Hello, poppet_."

Ren screamed in horror as Hao whisked him away into a shady car and slammed the door. He then proceeded to begin driving down the road towards an unknown destination.

"Where are you taking me?' Ren demanded.

Hao ignored him and started blabbering to Opacho, who was sitting in the front passenger seat. "We shall return him home, and then they will give us money! Yes, Opacho! Money! Lots of money! Lots and lots and lots of money! And then we won't even need to worry about taking over the world...because we can buy it with our lots and lots and lots and lots of money! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Lightning crashed dramatically as Hao's evil laughter echoed around.

Ren sweatdropped. "Oh, god...I'm being kidnapped by an idiot...And as much money as he may get, it won't be enough to buy the world..."

"SHUT UP!" Hao roared. "For your information, smarty pants, _I_, the Great Hao-sama, have already starred in numerous Herbal Essences commercials with my luxurious cascade of hair, and therefore, I already have quite a sum of money in my hands!"

Ren twitched.

A huge bling-bling appeared on Hao's neck and giant pimping shades appeared on his face."_Uh-huh! _That's right, brat!" Hao said, snapping his fingers ghetto-style. "I'm gonna be rich, homies!"

"Hao-sama!" Opacho said happily, doing some kind of cheerleader dance.

Ren screeched as all of a sudden, the stereo started blasting "In Da Club" and the car's hydraulics started kicking in. Hao laughed maniacally as the car bounced up and down all "gangsta!"

Hao started rapping along with the stereo as the car lurched to and fro wildly.

"_Go, go, go, go  
Go, go, go shawty!  
It's your birthday!  
We gon' party like it's yo birthday!  
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday!  
And you know we don't give a fuck  
It's not your birthday_!"

"C'mon, homie," Hao said, pointing at Ren. "_Rap wit me, niggah!_"

(AN: This statement was not intended to be racist, but rather, a parody on stereotypical "gangster" behavior.)

"Uh...no." Ren replied, but before he could say another word, Hao changed the song.

"Don't be hatin', foo!" Hao said. "Rap wit me just one time, a'ight? Then I'll leave yo alone."

Ren twitched. "_Fine_, but just this one song.

"You da best, man! 'Cuz dis is my favorite song!"

Ren shuddered. The song, you ask? "I'm in Luv Wit a Stripper."

Hao watched as Ren reluctantly "rapped" along with the immoral song.

_"_**Uh...**_She poppin' she rollin' she rollin'  
She climbin' that pole and_**...uh...**  
_I'm in love with a stripper_**...?  
**_She trippin_**...um**,_ she playin' she playin'  
I'm not goin' nowhere girl I'm stayin'_**...erm...**  
_I'm in love with a stripper_"

Hao applauded Ren's poor performance. "Not bad, foo, not bad!" Hao grinned. "Now let's listen to another song!"

Hao turned the volume dial onto full blast, and Ren screamed and slammed his hands over his ears as the sounds of Usher filled the area.

**"Peace up! A Town Down!"**

"Ugh..." Ren groaned. He'd rather be watching "Brokeback Mountain" with Lyserg.

This was going to be a very, very, very painful day.

--------------

AN: I apologize to all Hao fangirls for Hao's abnormal behavior...but boredom can really make people do stupid things...


	10. Special Delivery

Before long, they arrived at a building. Hao pulled up the car and parked it. Much to Ren's relief, the annoying music stopped and Hao's bling-age disappeared.

"Huh?" Ren asked. "Where are we?"

He peeked out the car's grimy window and stared at the wooden sign nailed to the front of the building.

"EH!? Why are we at the post office, kisama!?"

Hao shrugged. "I'm too lazy to go all the way to China...so I'm going to mail you back to your family and ask them to send the money to me later!"

Ren twitched as Hao busily began scribbling on a ratty piece of paper. Looking over his shoulder, Ren read the letter Hao had written. Apparently, _someone_ had not passed kindergarten.

_Dere Mr. and Mrs. Tao,_

_My name iz Asakura Hao and I hav ur son with me. I sended him to you via expres maile in a big cardbored box. U will probablee get dis lettur befure u get da deliverie, but it shuld arive soon. In exchanje fur my favur, I expekt dat u sent me da money rewurd. I am onlee asking fur $1,000,000,000,000. U can send it in cash, or u can make a check to me. Eithur way iz ok. I hope u are happee when ur belovud son returnes home and I wish u all da best in life._

_Regaurds, Asakura Hao_

Ren frowned. "It's illegal to ship humans, you dolt."

Hao ignored him. "They won't notice."

Confused, Ren watched as Hao smugly sealed the envelope and stuck on some tacky stamps.

He then grabbed Ren and shoved him into a giant box he had in his car trunk.

Ren screeched in muffled protest as Hao cheerfuly duct-taped the box shut and placed some stamps on it as well. With a grunt, he picked up the box and his letter and marched into the post office.

"Good day, sir," said a man in a postal uniform as Hao placed the articles on the counter. "What can we do for you today?"

Hao smiled and said, "I'd like you to send this package and letter to the provided address."

From inside the box, Ren screamed, "LET ME OUT!!!"

The employee twitched. "Why is your delivery talking?"

"Oh," Hao said casually. "It's a Tickle-Me-Elmo that I'm sending to my friend in China. I guess when I put the box down, the toy got bumped, therefore setting of the Tickle-Me-Elmo sensors and making it talk."

The postman looked at him real strange before saying, "Alright, sir. Your delivery will arrive at its destination in about a week."

"Thank you," Hao said cheerfully, skipping away with dollar bill signs hovering in his eyeballs.

All of a sudden, Ren felt the box being lifted and carried someways before it was tossed carelessly into a mail slot.

"Ow!" Ren screeched as he bumped his head during the fall.

And now, it's time to play the waiting game.

After about an hour of screeching and flailing, Ren felt the mail container being emptied into a truck. Without warning, the truck then took off. It was a terribly bumpy ride, and Ren found himself being bumped all over the place.

He was hungry, thirsty, cramped, and mad as hell. Slowly, Ren began to formulate his plan of escape.


	11. Urgent Author's Note!

My Dearest Readers,

NOOOOOOOO!

The worst fate anyone can behold...the ultimate foe of the world's fan-fic writer population...it's so awful, we must not even speak of it...

It is, my good friends...**WRITER'S BLOCK.** (dramatic music)

Yes. I am at a position at which I am unsure how to continue _Tao Ren: Chinese Chick Magnet_.

Your suggestions are much appreciated, and I will use them! Please lend me your imaginations, and I will be sure to put credit on your name for the following chapter.

Thank you oh-so-much!

In the meantime, while you are waiting for my brain to spark or for me to recieve some nice ideas from my readers, then please do check out my new series of drabbles: _Tales of a Tongari_. Only if you do like a mild level of HoroxRen, though. xx

Thanks again!

Regards,

ninzor!


	12. Hitching a Ride

AN: Thanks so much to Lilly and Sam for their support. They gave me the mental jumpstart to conquer my foe, the evil writer's block! Thank you oh-so-much. And I shall use Lilly's Horohoro idea, but with my own twist to it, so kudos to her for that. And maybe Marco's heart attack, in the next few chapters or so.

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Ren kicked his foot upward, and it made contact with the carboard box's lid. There was a loud ripping sound, and part of the lid gave way. Ren grinned in triumph and used his tongari to saw the rest of his way through.

He stuck his head out, like a cute little baby chick emerging from its egg. Though Ren was much scarier and less cuddly than a baby chick.

He crawled to the back hatch of the delivery truck, being careful not to lose his balance on the moving veichle. He tried to open the hatch, but it was locked. Oh, the wonders of the tongari. It makes a very good lockpick in times of need.

With a loud CLANG, the lock came free and Ren kicked the hatch open. The dense mailman did not notice as he leaped out, knocking some other boxes onto the street along with him. He skidded across the road, tumbling some distance and scraping his elbows (Poor thing...) before coming to a stop.

Before he could rise to his feet, he felt a searing light in his eyes. He looked up into the headlights of a small dingy car. But it was coming at him, fast, with the motor roaring. Ren screamed in terror, half-expecting to be squished flat.

Thankfully, the car screeched to a stop. Ren blinked, praised the lord, and scrambled to hsi feet.

He ran around the car to the driver's seat and looked in. "Can I have a ride?" he asked hopefully.

"Sure!" a voice chirped back. A horribly familiar voice.

The window rolled down, and Ren screamed even louder than when he had almost been run over. A blue-haired Ainu, Horohoro, screamed right back at him.

They screamed a really long, loud note in unison for about 2 minutes straight before they calmed down.

"_Hello, Ren_," Horohoro said in a nasty voice. "What are you doing here all on your lonesome? And why are you wearing those clothes?"

"I could ask you the same question," Ren shot back, as he realized his nice wig was gone. But screw that, he didn't need it right now.

"I'm not alone," Horohoro snapped. He patted a large urn next to him. "Pirika's with me. I took her to see the sights one last time..." A faraway look came into his eyes. Ren shuddered.

"Well...do you think you could give me a lift?"

"No."

Ren's eyes got all buggish. "WHY NOT!?"

"_Because_," Horohoro hissed. "_You murdered my darling sister_."

"I did not!" Ren protested. "It was the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers! I already told you!"

"Well, it's your fault anyways. You should have protected her."

"How is one guy supposed to fight a whole army of Mighty Morhping Power Rangers!? Now, can I please have a ride?"

"Nope."

Ren tried his last card. His eyes got all big and watery, as he clasped his hands together and pleaded in what he obviously thought was a very adorable and irresistable voice, "_Puh-lease, Horo-sama?"_

Horohoro gave in. "Fine, fine. Hop in."

"Yay!" Ren jumped into the car. "To London, please!"

"Who do you think I am, a taxi driver?"

"Uh...no...?"

"Good. Then shut up."

--------------

AN: WAAAH! Horohoro's a mean and bossy son of a bisucit! Ah well. Maybe for once he should actually be taking responsibility and acting more like seme to his part, as it should be in a HoroxRen pairing. xD Though this fic isn't a pairings fic, but oh well. Practice for the future, right, Horohoro?

Horohoro: -twitch-

Anyways. If you like this fic so far, then maybe you want to check out my new drabbles series, _Tales of a Tongari_. I also published two one-shots, _Panic Room_ and _Blood, Boredom, and a Doll_. Please read those and review! Thanks!


	13. Leopard Prints and Hostages

AN: Sorry for not updating in so long...I've been really busy. Please enjoy the next chapter!

-----------------

"I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND!" Horohoro sang along cheerfully to the Beetles on the car radio. Ren was sitting sullenly in the backseat, enduring the outdated music to the best of his ability.

"Now that everyone knows who you are, you'll have to take on a different disguise," Horohoro suggested. Ren scowled.

The Ainu persisted. "You know what? I think you'd look really cool in a goth lollita outfit. Wouldn't that be nice?"

Ren twitched. "_Whatever_, Horohoro. Just get me back to London, and then we'll see."

Horohoro shrugged. "And maybe you should, instead of covering your tongari, let it down...I wonder how long your hair would be?"

"Shut up!" Ren screeched. "I'm very self-concious about myself without the tongari! It adds definition to my appearance, and it strikes fear into the hearts of many..."

"Whatever you say, but you're supposed to be a girl," Horohoro replied. "In fact, let's pull over at the next town and do some shopping."

"_Oh, god,_" Ren thought. "_Why me? I bet he'll overdo my disguise even more than Bason does..._"

And unfortunately, Ren's prediction was correct. They stopped at a small town with some edgy-looking shops, of where Horohoro purchased a load of lollita-ish items.

"Put some on," the Ainu encouraged. "I spent my money on it, so you'd better be grateful." He shoved Ren into a dressing room and waited.

A few minutes later, Ren stepped out of the booth clad in a very strange outfit.

It consisted of a fluffy black skirt with frills and lace dangling several chunky strings of chains. Fishnet stockings were tucked into lacy white socks, which led down to a pair of black ballet shoes with lacy ribbons on them. Fingerless gloves and netting adorned his arms and hands. A white blouse served as his top, and in his now de-tongari-ed hair was neatly pinned a Hello Kitty hair clip.

Horohoro made a weird nosie as he tried to supress the nosebleed that threatened to erupt from his nostrils. "You look...so...so..." hegrunted while clasping his nose.

"Yes...?" Ren replied. "So...?"

"So...so...so..."

"SPIT IT OUT!"

"So _kawaii!_" Horohoro blurted. "I have a strange urge to grab you, snog the life out of you, and throw your body into a river!"

"WHAT!?"

Horohoro laughed insanely as red liquid dripped steadily from his nose. As he fetched himself a tissue, they headed back to the car.

After about an hour of driving and excruciating oldies music, the arrived back in merry London. As instructed by Ren, Horohoro pulled up in front of Lyzerg's house and dropped him off. The Ainu then went on his way to take Pirika -or rather, Pirika's ashes- to see the Big Ben.

Ren primly rang the doorbell, attempting to act convincingly ladylike. In a few seconds, Marco opened the door. He was clad in nothing but leopard-print undies.

Ren shuddered.

"Oh, how nice to see you...erm...who are you again?" Marco asked.

"Ren," he replied. "I'm Lyzerg's...erm...friend."

At the sound of Lyzerg's name, Marco grinned. "Ah, you are my dear Lyzerg-chan's chum. Do come in."

Ren entered as Marco shut the door behind him. "Speaking of which," he continued, "I haven't seen the darling boy all day. Where could he possibly have gone?"

Ren shrugged. "No idea."

They entered the parlor, and at that moment, they spotted a piece of paper. Marco picked it up and scanned the writing.

His eyes got all bulgy. "Oh, sweet Holy Light!" he shrieked, clutching his heart. His glasses popped off as he toppled rigidly to the floor, claimed by a sudden heart attack.

"Eh?" Ren said, prying the note from Marco's lifeless fingers. His eyes widened.

_Dere Marcko or Whoevah it may Consern,_

_I have Lyzerg. He is my hostaj until u find Tao Ren and give him 2 me. If you do not retirn the kid by de end of tha weeke than I will personilli shoot Lyzerg wit a semi-awtomatik riefle. If u do, howevur, befure the time limat, than he will be alouwed to go home unhaurmed._

_Regardz, Asakura Hao_

There was no mistakening. The sloppy writing, the preschool-spelling. But then again, many people on the internet spell like that too...

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! LYZERG!!!!!!!"


End file.
